You are the faithful companion I never wish I had,
yet somehow you bring a sense of comfort to my life by making me face my pain.
You make me be vulnerable;
you make me be honest, no matter the expense.
How am I supposed to endure a lifetime
knowing that you are standing beside me in every season?
Surely if I cast you out of my today,
you will find somewhere else to hide in my tomorrows.
You’ve pierced my system of existence!
I can’t figure out if finding comfort in you is wrong.
If being happy is a choice
because of you, I now refuse to make it
For you’ve stripped me of the courage I used to feel
when in happiness I lived and moved.
You have so many questions.
You want to know how long my tears will last.
You want to know when it’s safe to laugh again.
You want to know when my downward stare will turn and face the heavens.
You want to know when I’ll sit in peace and stop twiddling with my thumbs.
You want to know when the melodies I’ve been suppressing will fill my lips again.
You dare to look me in the face and tell me that I’m strong—
That grieving is not one-size-fits-all,
That it’s ok to want things to get better,
And that moving forward is not wrong.
I keep having short bursts of inspired moments,
and I so long for a lifetime filled with an eternity of grace,
one that unravels wonder
and puts into practice my creative joys before my pain.
How is it that I keep losing moments,
questioning my thoughts,
giving into doubt?
You paralyzed my goals.
You stalled my inspiration.
You robbed me of the ability to put words to paper,
melodies to songs,
all when you showed up.
I do not fear for the loved one I lost because they’re in Heaven’s embrace,
But what about me?
What about my pain?
Why must you linger and watch and prey?
No one else wants to talk about you,
but truth is you’ve been one of the most faithful friends I’ve ever had.
I can’t figure out if I should despise you, or embrace you,
and face the open wound and pain I so diligently have tried to hide.
Fleeting memories, no more!
I choose to hold on to hope!
The dawn will be clearer than this storm.
Yet in these gray skies, I’ve learned to in my own way mourn.
And so I’ve made peace with my grief,
I will no longer resent you
because I’ve learned,
that you hurt too,
and you hurt, with me.
by Wendy Gonzalez for www.thehoperesolve.com